DEALT WITH GRIEF FOR THE FIRST TIME
Before my grandpa losed the battle against cancer at the beginning of the year, I’ve never lost someone so close. It was a painful and terrifying experience: flying home just to say goodbye, knowing that he could die any minute and there was nothing we could do, besides trying to make his last days a little better. I learnt that grief never leaves, it just becomes a part of you.
MOVED BACK TO MEXICO
I miss São Paulo every single day. It’s incredibly culturally stimulating, and despite what brazilians try to tell you, the friendliest place ever! I feel like it’s my place and haven’t quitted to the dream of living there again, even if it’s just for a while. But being back means this is the place where I’m supossed to be, at less for now. I also get to see things from a new perspective, learn and adapt.
FELT THE MOST ANXIOUS
I’m Venezuelan. Anxiety and fear are part of my everyday life, and if you don’t know what I’m talking about just check the news. But this year I experienced a different kind of anxiety: I’ve been paralized in fear of doing the things I’ve always wanted to do, like starting my own fashion brand, scared of not being good enough, basically because I’ve been told so by my supervisor at design school everytime she had the chance to. But deep in my heart I know that this isn’t true, that I don’t need her permission to create, and that the fear of doing so is no longer bigger that the fear of not doing it at all.
I have a “do your best or do nothing” kind of mindset, it’s just the way I was raised, and whilst I do still believe in giving my best, I’m slowly learning that “done is better than perfect” and that self-compassion doesn’t equal being self-condescending.
FOUND A NEW PASSION
I’ve always been the laziest person when it comes to working out. I hate gyms. I tried once: hated machines, felt on my knees crossing the street while going back home on the first day, and only lasted a few weeks, not even completing the whole month a paid for. I abominate the idea of exhausting myself to the point of almost throwing up, so no Insane/army style workouts for me. On top of that, I’m a bad Latina who lacks the coordination to dance properly, so clearly, no Zumba/aerobic anything neither.
A few months ago a barre studio opened near my house and it’s been the absolute highlight of my year! Now, I’m not looking for super defined abs (wouldn’t mind having them tho), I don’t care about having toned arms or glutes (it’s not like I can even look at them), and I’m ok with my legs. I also won’t quit to pizza in the name of protein shakes and bars.
I don’t workout to punish my body or force it to be “perfect”. I work out to get out of my comfort zone, to prove myself I can do things I never even thought I was able to do. In certain postures you can easily fall, so you have no choice but to focus. When I’m in the middle of a horrible push up (yes, you do push ups at barre), almost ready to give up, I remember that sense of accomplishment and boost of confidence I feel after to keep going. Through barre I’ve gained a clearer, stronger mind and lots of discipline, something I want to translate into other areas of my life. Heck, I’m even flexible according to my instructor and classmates which I swear to God still find hard to believe!
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